Friday, July 07, 2006

The Monarchy of Canada

Since the Summer of Matt has been in full swing for almost a week, I have had the time to ponder and meditate on some big personal and global issues. The one that naggingly and continuously enters my head is this: what would I do if Canada was a monarchy I was King? I came up with some real winners:

1. I would tour and record with my sweet band, Matty and the Bingdawgs, which consists of my friend Johnny 5 on drums, Led Zep's John Paul Jones on bass, Keith Richards on guitar and me on lead vocals AND lead guitar. Using my favourite outlaw artists, such as Neil Young, Pearl Jam, and the Hip, as a template I would crusade against injustice (Ticketmaster, the government, world hunger), refuse to make music videos as a matter of principle, refuse to do interviews, keep my ticket prices down, make all my concerts available for download, be disdainful of awards shows, and not give a rip about being big in the States. I would own a studio that I would make available to other bands whom I respect and I wouldn't take no record company crap from the "the suits". Period.

2. I would make it law that my friend Katie Schaan use only 2-in-1 shampoo because, though it's all advertising and really makes no difference, she hates 2-in-1 and would rather spend $650 on a bottle of shampoo plus another $400 on conditioner. I think that the whole thing is ridiculous and unnecessary, thus would I bring my regal will to bear upon it. Hey Katie, I hear good things about Suave and Pert Plus...

3. I would legalize marijuana, make it taxable, and then take all that tax and funnel it into my personal coffers. The income from British Columbia alone would make me richer than Bill Gates! I am surprised I never thought of this idea before!

4. Taking a hint from Communist governments and dictatorships (which clearly themselves are not positive) who censor rock and roll albums, I would outlaw all disposable bubblegum pop albums (i.e. Britney, Christina, etc.) and all albums by Kid Rock (anybody with a song called "Bawitdaba" doesn't deserve a record contract, in this monarch's opinion). Then I would develop a kind of "Rock and Roll 101" curriculum for Canada's youth so that they knew the importance of their rock history and wouldn't grow up learning to love music that sucks like so many Canadian children presently do, obviously not being under my rule.

5. For my friend Malcolm I would stop the dumping of garbage and sewage into the ocean, so he could surf and not worry about gobbling down a poopy when he bails. I would finance a research council to brainstorm and implement methods of safely breaking it down and disposing of it properly. If I couldn't find a way to do that I would have it all shipped to the Northwest Territories and Yukon because no one lives there anyways!

There will be more installments coming, but I believe that this would be a good start towards making the Monarchy of Canada a better place to live for all of us.


julia said...

i can't remember the last time i laughed so hard! but i have to take katie's side on the shampoo issue--there is SO a difference between 2-in-1 and separate conditioner. i guess you'll just have to ship me to the slammer.

Jason said...

Look at that, only off work for a few days and already conspiring to take over the world. Though I must say that I do like where you are going with things . . . Huge money to be made in the marijuana business, and Rock Class . . . hells yes!


Anonymous said...

You missed some important points in your throne speach, if you will.

One, hockey and the growing of our game. You should be putting the pressure on Gary Bettman to have more NHL teams in Canada. Maybe fund them with your legal pot money. Then we would always win the stanley cup cause our fine canadian players would remain in canada instead of going south for the green back.
Two, make it more accessable for the young, and old canadian male to enjoy true canadian beaver. Just think what you would do if you had an unlimited supply of beaver? Your monachery would never be overthrown and other countries would weep in the shadow of the greatest country ever... Oh Canada!

Michael Lambert

James Kingsley said...

please sir...can i have some more bread?

Katherine said...

2-IN-1 IS FROM THE DEVIL!!!!! MATT BINGHAM YOU'RE GOING STRAIGHT TO HELL! Oh wow... that ws a bit intense. Never mind, I take it back. It's not true! I'M SORRY!!!! But it does make a difference. Ask Matty Conrad... he got mad at me for not using hair products correctly the last time I got my hair cut.

katherine said...

Oh and also......... conditioner is more expensive than shampoo. Just so you know.