balance

AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is an unedited (likely incoherent) stream of consciousness, so I apologize in advance if it sucks or is nonsensical.

Fatherhood has been a really exciting and really exhausting time for me. Sam has turned life on its head and I'm still trying to figure out how to live well. The hugest task facing me, by far, is that of trying to strike a balance in my life. I've not been very good at that so far and I often feel pretty stretched between my duties at work and my life at home. It has become apparent that I can't really do everything I used to do and some things, such as running and guitar-playing, have had to be temporarily put to bed; I'm not going to lie, this scaling back has not been easy for me. Acknowledging that I can't be everywhere and do everything is a continual process and I'm still not very good at it. I live in the constant fear that I'm letting Sam down, that I'm not a very good father, and that I'm letting my community down. I'm such a relationship-based person and my friendships mean everything to me; there are people I've neglected since Sam arrived and that's a really crappy feeling for me, someone who takes great pride in being a good friend.

Having Sam has also made me realize that, really, my work/career is not that important. Mine is a profession that many people really live 24 hours a day. If they're not working, they're reading about librarianship/information management, talking about it, tweeting about it, blogging about it, etc. I've never been that into my career, never someone who spends a lot of their non-work life doing much in the way of work, but I'm even less so now. The moment I leave work, I don't think about it anymore because compared to my loved ones and their welfare, it's pretty trivial.

I guess when it comes down to it, what I'm trying to get at is that I want to live my life generously, be that with my finances, my time, or any other resources I have at my disposal. My prayer is that I will do my best to live my life dictated by my faith and poured out for others. I do a relatively poor job of it as it stands, but there's always room for improvement. I'm so blessed that my family and friends show me such incredible grace.