Tuesday, June 03, 2008

cuts right through me

I sometimes wish that God had made me a harder person than I am so that I didn't feel things as deeply as I do. There are moments that I would like the pain I encountered in others to just roll off me easily, but increasingly this is not the case. When it comes down to it, the struggles and hurts of others physically become mine as my stomach knots, I lose appetite and my traditional energy and good humour is sapped. Often, I try to cover this up as best I can with forced joking and fooling around, but I am finding that it is less and less effective the older I get. I always thought that I was going to toughen up as I got to be more of an "adult". Well, that has not been the case. I have only become more aware of pain and injustice, thus I am finding that things I comprehended in an abstract sense previously (abuse, depression, loss, etc.) are beginning to have real faces and stories attached to them with which I have become acquainted. Sometimes this whole "growing up" thing really sucks--I can see what Peter Pan was talking about.

Sorry for such an emotional, humourless post. I realize that this is not why you read my blog, but this is what I have been feeling over the past little while and I just needed to get it off my chest. Hopefully, funnier and lighter stuff is on the horizon....


Anonymous said...

hand in there man-keep on rockin in the free world

Anonymous said...

Dude, I pray you will never "toughen up". I think we are better people when we experience both the mountains and the valleys of life. It's when people 'middle out' that they get crusty and comfortably numb.


Sarah said...

I agree with Randy, Matt.

Crusty and comfortably numb people can be hard to talk to, because you wonder if they care or not.

It probably doesn't mean much, but I like you just the way you are.

Dawnables said...

There are so many things I'd like to say about this post that would hopefully bring you comfort and renewed resolve, but maybe they're best said in person. Let's get together soon!