open up your hands, Matty...

I hold on tightly, too tightly. I leave few things to 'chance'. I do not just have a "Plan B" for when things go wrong, I have a "Plan X". Almost everything is totally thought out, the pros and cons are weighed, and I see the potential long-term ramifications of every move that is made (based on this you'd think I would be good at chess, but I am not). I am a tightly coiled spring of nerves, worry, and anxiety who often chews his fingernails down to nothing. And I'm starting to learn about how unhealthy this is for me and those I love.

I think that I'm often trying to do a job that is not mine to do. I try so hard to make sure I'm there for everyone I love, to be the person that will make them laugh, and therefore I take responsibility on myself to "fix" things when they're not going well; in short, I spend an exorbitant amount of time needlessly worrying, especially about my loved ones' health and safety. And you know what? If I keep it up like this, I'll have an ulcer by the time I'm 40. Anxiety grips me like a vise every single day of my life and though some of it can be chalked up to genetics (coming from high strung parents), the majority of it is my own doing.

Last night, I was forcibly struck with the realization, as I sat in my seat at The Place and then later was served communion by my wife, that despite the depth of my faith in God and the strength of my convictions, I often do not trust God enough with the things that are most precious to me, namely, the people in my life. I was biting back tears as their faces flashed through my mind: my wife, parents, siblings, and close friends. I realized that there isn't a damn thing I can do for them other than love them and pray unceasingly for them; I can't "fix" them, can't be responsible for making them happier, and can't save them from health issues or life issues. It was a lot harder to come to grips with than you might think and it completely humbled me.

My prayer is that God will help to loosen my grip, that I might open my hands rather than clenching my fists and not allowing Him to take from me what is rightfully His.