love your enemies

"Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you." Of all of Christ's commandments it is this one that I have been wrestling with most lately while simultaneously trying to come to grip with its implications for me. It is also tied into forgiveness, another idea that I ain't so hot about putting into practice much of the time.

For the first time in my life I have experienced feelings of cold-blooded hate, true enmity. Until this year I don't believe I've ever had a real enemy--I mean, I have had people for whom I am not too fond, but in hindsight, never before a true enemy. It changes a person. It has changed me. I have wrestled with my thoughts, my hate, and the outright fury inside me constantly for a number of months and I wonder if I'm any closer to allowing God to take this away from me and change my heart? That point is debatable and the reason why is this: much of the time I want to hate because I feel it is deserved. As of right now, it's taking a lot to change my mind about that hatred, but what I do know is that in my heart I do not want to be a person who hates. Every time I feel it bubbling up inside me, I have to consciously pray that I can let it go and forgive because I know that is what I am called to. I know that this is happening in my life in order to teach me, to mold and shape me into a better person, but I admit I'm fighting it tooth and nail at times!

Something I read recently really spoke to this: "The call to love unconditionally...is a hard one to follow if we cannot trust that God will one day exercise justice. The premise of the sacrificial spiritual life is the promise of God's faithful justice." So, I guess I am called to sacrifice my hatred in order to allow God to mold me into who I ought to be. It is not going to be easy, but I think I am increasingly becoming more ready to take the initial steps in the journey, both for my sake and for the sake of those I love and who love me. God help me...