Monday, March 10, 2008

The Bing Man's Ten Commandments

I thought that it would be prudent to make a list of the other Ten Commandments by which I live, a list of things that I also think could be important in the lives of others should they choose to adopt them. Some of these are highly personalized, while others are far more general and applicable to y'all at large. So, without further ado and in no particular order:


Thou shalt learn how to drive a standard transmission properly, which means no clutch riding, clutch jamming, or gear grinding. Proper standard driving is very important to me--my father is the master of clutch saving as he racked up close to 400,000 kms on his '88 Tercel wagon, all on the original clutch. He has passed this passion to me, his oldest and his only son.

2. Thou shalt not cheer for the Ottawa Senators hockey club. Unless they are the last Canadian team in the playoffs.

Sub-commandment a): thou shalt avoid cheering for American hockey teams if at all possible.

Sub-commandment b): thou shalt not like Daniel Alfredsson because he is a wiener.

3. Thou shalt not support any other computer company but Apple because PC's are clearly inferior and don't look as cool.

Qualifying clause a): use of PC's at work is permitted and probably unavoidable, but try not to bring them into the home for personal use.

4. Thou shalt make flossing a daily part of thy oral hygiene regimen. Flossing decreases the risk of gum disease and leads to healthier teeth and gums, as well as improving your breath.

5. Thou shalt avoid agreeing with thy best friend, Andrew J. Renton, on as many things as possible.

Sub-commandment a): thou shalt do thy best to provoke Andrew J. Renton as much as possible including the following: making fun of the Victoria Salmon Kings, mocking his taste in movies and music, and refusing to hang out with him when it's really late and you would rather sleep (a sure-fire way to get him calling you hilarious names such as "baby" and "pansy").

Sub-commandment b): thou shalt not feel like you must love Andrew J. Renton's cat, Lily, because you seem be the only to realize that she is not adorable and sweet, but unpredictable, destructive, and psychotic. Thou shalt not be pressured into thinking the cat is awesome.

Subcommandment c): though shalt not equate cats with people because no matter what you are told, cats are cats and people are people. How one treats their cat when they misbehave is not how they will treat their child.

6. Thou shalt not listen to bad music, including almost everything that is played in the Top 40, bands that try and fail to sound like Pearl Jam, boy bands, girl bands, Britney Spears, and all those other no-talent pretty boys/girls who wouldn't know a musical instrument if they were hit over the head with one. This is one of the most sacred of the commandments.

7. Thou shalt not watch reality television shows because they are bogus crap with no inherent value whatsoever.

Sub-commandment a): Thou shalt not watch anything at all involving Howie Mandell because he is a cue-ball headed idiot.

8. Thou shalt not have heavy objects above thy bed in case there is an earthquake--this commandment is especially relevant to those of us here in BC who live on a huge-ass faultline.

9. Thou shalt make sure that your children are readers and outdoor players rather than television/video game zombies who can't spell or write and have no social skills--this is the case with so many children these days, in my opinion.

10. Thou shalt attempt to develop or further the cause of cool nicknames for thy friends and family. For example, I call my father Billzebub, the Dark Prince of Port Alberni. I also have friends named Jimmy the K (not my original), O-Town, the Deet (again, not mine, but I have furthered the cause), Lynnester the Spinster (she is married to the Deet), CMac, koldenbu, the F-Bomb, and T-Bone. Does this make me idiotic? Probably. Do I care? Absolutely not.


AJ Renton said...

Absolutely amazing. Brightening up my day one commandment at a time.

Michelle said...

I'm sorry Matt, a couple items:

Michelle Shalt Enjoy Kanye

Michelle Shalt Also Love America's Next Top Model, Without Shame...or with as little as possible

Michelle Shalt Agree With Matt Wholeheartedly About Howie Mandell

Michelle Hath Shelves of Trinkets Above Her Bed, But Shalt Be Okay For Her Abode Resides in Onterrible

Michelle Shalt Point Out That koldenbu Is Not A Matt Original, But Was First Sourced By Ye Olde Western

Michelle Also Wonders What Her Nickname Be-eth.

Good job though, on the whole. :P

impactmatt said...

Mattie J has to agree with Michelle...

yay to Kanye and yay to America's Next Top Model...

regardless... going by your list... i am going to librarian hell!

stephanie said...

YES! Koldenbu! I officially have created a legacy!


perps said...

by the way....