As many people do, I daily struggle with feelings of insecurity and self-loathing because I have an acute fear of failure. I do not know where this comes from and it is very much at odds with people's perception of me. I come across very much as gregarious and full of confidence (and in some areas I am), but often this masks what is going on inside. I have problems forgiving myself for making mistakes and I am a perfectionist. This is not meant to be a self pity-fest nor dramatic, I just feel like I needed to get it out and not try to be funny about it.
The last couple days I have felt like God is whispering to me to let go of my self-hatred and stop trying to get it all right. Failure and mistakes an an inevitable part of life that I cannot control, so I should quit trying to. I also need to stop wishing I was more like other people that I admire and embrace being me, which for me is not going to be easy to do. I have been blessed with gifts and people in my life for which I need to be more thankful. The realization that I do not need to poison myself with anger at making mistakes and that God can work with the gifts he has given to me is a liberating feeling.
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Wow, I totally hear what you're saying on this one! Perfectionism-- it's the musician/writer/artist's best friend and greatest foe all at the same time, wouldn't you say? Over the past few months my journal has been crammed with thoughts very much like these--questions about insecurity and where it comes from and what the heck you're supposed to do with it! I'm sure you can find a hundred self-help books to give you trite answers like 'you just need to understand your identity in Christ'. Here's to the question-filled journey that doesn't have a pat answer and a cliche around every corner. Thanks for the thoughts, and thanks for having the guts to voice them online.
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